I have decided that I officially hate this journal. I think I'm going to abandon it. I think it's a hinderence to my character, it being a place where I am free to act like I have it bad. Times are hard, and I refuse to cheapen that fact. However, though I may be experiencing some difficult things personally, I'm not starving or homeless or any of the other millions of things that people far worse off than I suffer from. I do think having a journal where I can share my thoughts would be helpful, but this particular journal houses some of my darker days and it haunts me.
Believe it or not, I'm not proud of myself. And I am going to press/move on from these past few months, get over the things that have caused me pain, and away from the things which continue to do so. So, I dunno. I had written a pretty short notice sort of post, but I felt a short explanation would be better suited.
I may open up a new journal, and there are a few of you who may be interested in reading it. I will post here should I decide to open it up.
But until then,
adios.

Amy

today is an absolutely beautiful day. it's bright sunny, warm enough to keep your bones from freezing and cold enough in the shadows the pinken your nose. it's lovely. global warming at its best. still though, not good enough. nothing seems to be anymore. i feel like i'm on the wrong path. things are the way i thought they were. i can't stand thinking about where i wish that i was. i've worked too damn long to feel dissatified. i hate thinking every day about ways to get out. ways to run away. i can't stand being or feeling like this anymore. i was walking home today and just couldn't help but think of ways that i could distract myself from these feelings. and yet the sky is so bright! cloudless! i'm nearly done with the first half of my third year of college. i'm coming along huh? just like i'm done with my first half of my 20th year. big fucking woot. i don't feel smarter, wiser, more learned. i don't feel better prepared to face the shadows. i don't feel better. i feel like i've, in fact, lost a lot these past months. a lot of who i am. call it growing up. call it what you will. i can't stand this little insignificant person that i am. i'm my biggest bully. i just want to get away. i was conspiring in my head a way to leave, but i can't. i'm one of those people who talks and talks and talks just so other people will know they exist. one of those types that will threaten to do something, just to see the worry. i'm despicable. so selfish. and yet, it's not about anyone else or myself. it's just not about it. i don't know how to explain. i don't know anything. i'm stuck. i have nothing to comfort my sadness. my best friend and boyfriend is not really there. i don't even know what to say to pull him back to me. i don't know what to do. without him i'm completely alone. i know i did awful things, and i'm trying to sing some sort of redemption song. i can't keep feeling this way. i need someone, something. i need my life to go back to when i liked myself. when i was confident. and felt like maybe i was important, had something to say. i have nothing, well, except for my sadness. make it stop. please.

[edit]

totally just deleated the last post and am re-writing it.

i've deleted a lot of people from my friends list. there too many people i don't know and therefore see no need in keeping on my friends list.

if i kept you it's because
a) i know you
b) i know you by association or you've been a long-time/loyal lj-er
c) i think you're interesting

if you feel this i have reached an error lemme know. anyway. thanks and goodnight!!
<333
Amy

you're mom is weaksauce.